I loved his Dick, Not him

Days become weeks and weeks become months, and before you know it, you’re lying in bed with someone who you can’t truly stand in life but desperately crave beside you. The feeling of warmth and safety only comes when they are exposed, raw to your heart. The passion and connection are so alive and intense that you think it must be the same in every way, but to your disappointment, the fire is not there emotionally. You try desperately to find that feeling in other places within the relationship, but it never satisfies. Because the real stuff, the things that truly make you love someone are simply not there. But you are too blinded by the wound you are trying to fill to see clearly and the lust confuses your mind, hopelessly allowing you to fall back into their body each time.

It started off so intensely. The love bombing and constant admiration – I felt so valued and loved. Something I never felt as a child and could not yet give myself. His gentle touch in the bedroom and soft wet kisses left me feeling weightless. After sex the damage would follow. His sweet gentle touch and deep loving dick would turn into harsh name calling and devaluation, calling me a slut or a crazy person. The cycle of verbal abuse typically came after I felt good, after I had the power. Did he feel vulnerable during our sex too? Or was he just allowing the moment to feel vulnerable and intimate to get me ready for another verbal attack? To open me up softly, only to cut me? I will never have all the answers, but I do know for certain, never again will I fall into the deep and dangerous world of lust and obsession.

Obsession isn’t crazy or unusual, and it’s easy for us to become obsessed with someone when we don’t see ourselves first. I confused my obsession for love and my codependent heart latched onto the idea of someone loving me. People who have experienced severe neglect or abuse tend to hold on so tight, gripping onto an attachment wound, until they can’t breathe anymore or get trapped in the lust. Cycles of love bombing only to feel neglected was nothing new to me. My father did this enough to me as a child and I’ve constantly repeated the pattern in my relationships. Expect this is different. There is more bleeding when your gentle heart and naked body are involved.

Be careful of those who leave you feeling so seen and safe during sex. Pay attention to their character outside of the bedroom and how they treat others who they aren’t fucking. If I had looked closely and removed my desire to feel safe and heard by a man, I would have seen that it wasn’t his love for who I am and what I have been through that made our sex so alive, it was his desire to control me and get me vulnerable in the easiest way possible. The most deceitful yet natural and known way of captivating a young woman.

His wounds were so large on his heart I could taste them when I went to kiss his neck as he fucked me. I could almost bite into them and feel the fleshy and delicate opening that was trying so hopelessly to close up with me. They fed off mine, over and over. My abandonment scars and childhood filled of chaos, along with my mother passing and narcissistic father walking out on me as a little girl, led me to believe that if someone could make love to me and take care of me, if they could truly hear me and look at me with those eyes – then they must really love me. But he never loved me, he just loved the cycle we put each other through. The highs and lows that come from such a powerful and lustful connection between two lost bodies. He loved how I could get down on my knees and fall over and over for his charming and seductive ways. He also loved my pussy.

Be careful of how fast things move between you and a soul. I felt like I plunged deep into the ocean within a week of meeting him and couldn’t see the sun any longer. There was no building or growing, it was just a straight dive into the water. I knew the moment we met that I wanted to be close to him, to bite into his lips and cum with him. The way he looked at me within those first few weeks, like I was a goddess sent from the garden of Eve there to rescue him. Attraction is necessary in a relationship, but it doesn’t need to be every time, all the time, or right away. This is another sign of obsession, of a wound from our childhood. If things are moving too fast, too soon, it’s most likely our inner child trying to speak – the child within us that does not understand patience and delayed gratification.

I’ve been told women are a safe place for traumatized men. I believe we are all a safe place for those who don’t have one inside themselves already. He took me to nice dinners, complimented me, agreed with me, listened to me, showed interest, kissed me softly. Everything was a fairytale in the start, and I became weak. I became that little girl again and I let my mind fold into his. As soon as I let this guard down and fell into it, our sex became more of a reason to fight and the reason we kept going back to each other. It was the only time we both truly felt safe and seen after everything got bad. It was the only time our inner child heard each other. Watch out for how he handles a problem in his life. Look for what he turns to soothe himself when he doesn’t get his way or feels misheard by you and others. It’s typically sex, alcohol, drugs, money or girls that these souls feed off to temporarily fix their pain.

I’m still licking my open cuts left from the overwhelmingly lustful and broken times together. I loved how he made me feel in those moments. How the intimate and sexual moments made me feel alive and wanted. I’ve always loved the thrill and seductive side of life, but this isn’t real or long lasting. A partner is someone who supports you, who doesn’t fuck you then end up calling you a whore afterwards, someone who shares the same values and life goals, pushes you to be better, and who doesn’t put their wounds onto yours. My dark side was not accepted or pushed, but my body and affection was. To have someone who can do the same for themselves. That is the key to true love – finding someone who already loves themselves.

Don’t get consistent dick and confuse it with real connection. It will happen, because we are horny creatures longing to be loved and kissed in order to be seen or desired, but this will never last. We must fall in love with the soul. The demon inside that only shows after we have been naked within ourselves. If he can’t love his own devil, or if you can’t love yours, the sex will be fire until it burns out and you are left with a crumbling body that is terrified of showing the true self.

Sex is a confusing and incredibly delicate activity that we perform. Lust is real and many of us do not understand it, until we are out of it, damaged and battling our inner selves. I am here to tell you that it is real, and it can save you many years of disappointment and confusion if you can distinguish between lust and love, between your pain and true needs, between using someone to soothe those needs and soothing yourself. Do you love his character within the first months, or do you love the attention? Is his affection and availability to you love, or is it just making you feel safe? Is feeling safe the same as love? I know how good it feels to be fucked well, and I know how it can make you feel so important and safe with that person, but you probably aren’t yet. It simply doesn’t happen that fast and safety must be found within ourselves first.

Pay close attention to the words he uses to describe the world around him. Many narcissistic and manipulative relationships start off with an intense sexual bond. This is typically how the abuser gets you vulnerable enough to later destroy you.

Share yourself with them over time, be patient, then you get to decide if you love them. Love is a choice, and many people will give up or their demon will get the best of them before they can unconditionally love you. Share your goals, past, weird tricks and strange ideas, insecurities and failures. Share it all with them and with yourself. Because once you understand your patterns and how a relationship is just a reflection of our own needs and wounds, you can see how it’s easy to keep repeating a familiar cycle of what you’ve been conditioned to believe is love, and how this view of love can be horribly distorted and painful if we do not face the devious and dangerous wound that is keeping us from finding a true connection, not just another dick or lustful bond that reinforces the powerless little girl I once was.

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