I’ve always been the one to prioritize my needs (some may say I’m selfish or a bitch) but it just adds to my research, so thank you. The power a simple “no” has is incredible. While I understand how a rude tone of voice, a nasty word, or a manipulative statement can come across as selfish – voicing your boundaries and what you’re comfy with is not. It’s called showing up for yourself, taking care of your needs, and protecting your valuable energy.

Getting a text from someone that says , “Hey I don’t f*king like you at all let’s stop hanging” is a lot different than a text that sets healthy boundaries such as – “Hey, I am emotionally not ready to be serious with anyone. I hope you understand and wish you the best.” Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but that second reply doesn’t sound bitchy or inconsiderate to me. In fact, it sounds like the person is taking responsibility for their feelings and being up-front. What a concept!

I would rather have someone tell me they are not emotionally stable v.s. 12 months down the road, I’m imagining our kids together, and I get a good old “I can’t do this anymore” text and I’m blocked. It happens.

I am the most sensitive person in the world. Seriously, I am like a soft mushy sponge. But even I wouldn’t get mad at a thoughtful, open, and honest message from someone. There is a difference between being straight up rude vs communicating a need. Being a people pleaser is in our nature, but trust me, it can hurt you over time. Learning how to say no and standing your ground in your values, needs, and wants is life changing. Of course, saying yes is easier, more comfortable, and socially acceptable. Saying no is at times – difficult, can cause you to feel guilty, fearful, or uncomfortable. These are all normal feelings that occur when saying no, AKA setting boundaries.

It’s important to realize that setting boundaries are there to protect your well-being. Setting them can disappoint others, temporarily upset them, or cause them to make you feel like a toxic grudge holding human. Setting boundaries means you have the courage to put your needs first and love yourself. And if the person truly doesn’t understand where you are coming from, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship.

Tip #1 Do You Even Have a Cat? 

Boundaries come in all different shapes and forms. A boundary can be asking for alone time, asking for personal space, or simply leaving a party early because you want to. A common mistake I see in boundaries is coming up with excuses. Saying “Oh I forgot I have a project due, and a book to read, and a cat to feed, and blah blah blah” is not setting a boundary – it’s called being dishonest. Do not make excuses for emotional, physical, or mental needs! Be honest and kind, simply decline the dinner offer and say you don’t feel well enough to go.

Tip #2 Shut Up

Don’t over explain! We tend to think that more is better and in some cases this is true. But when it comes to expressing a need, less is okay. If you truly want to give a lot of detail and explain the deep depths of your mental state to someone go ahead, but a simple “Hey I’m not mentally feeling okay I will reply to this later” is okay. Normalize not replying to someone until you are ready. Waiting until you are ready to be there for someone is so important because we can be our best support systems after we show up for ourselves. If you have a hard time showing up for yourself, I recommend starting the day with a mindful practice – such as yoga, meditation, reading, or journaling.

Tip #3 Self- Care is Not Glamorous

If I see one more face mask with a caption “self care” I might actually go insane. Do face masks help you grow or do they just feel good ? Or do they just look like you are taking care of yourself ? I’m sorry, (I love a good face mask don’t come at me) but self-care is not just bubble baths, face masks, and pedicures. While these are all great to do, and treating yourself is a must, self-care is not always nice. Self-care can look like – making difficult decisions, taking responsibility for your actions, spending time in your discomfort and pain, and confronting what you’re avoiding. So next time you need a night off for “self-care” don’t be afraid to call it an emotional break or mental overload.

Tip #4 Boundaries are Not Just for Boos 

You can also set boundaries with friends or anyone else in your life! Hearing a boundary from a friend, colleague, or family member can be just as difficult and uncomfortable. But it is necessary and okay to do. A boss may email you, “No I cannot meet Monday. What about Tuesday?” This does not mean they are not interested in you for the job, it just means they are human and have a life. Don’t get discouraged!

Boundaries set with friends can sound like “I am struggling with my own mental health right now, I can’t fully be there for you at the moment but I care for you” or “I only have 10 minutes to grab a coffee” or “I can’t talk right now, I’m headed to work.” These are all honest, open, and healthy statements to say. Your friends should understand you have needs too and allow you to communicate them.

I know this is all a lot, and this can sound intimidating and difficult to achieve. But I promise once you start becoming aware of boundaries and even just including this type of language in your life, you will see a difference. Setting boundaries allows us to show up for ourselves and become more compassionate, understanding, and patient partners.

If someone invalidates your boundary, I recommend removing them from your close circle. If they are new to boundary talk, talk to them and try to educate them on healthy boundary conversations. We all have needs, wants, limits, and values. It is okay to express them.

If you are unfamiliar with what is a boundary for you, I recommend writing in a journal or even your phone notes. Write down what bothers you, what you value, what you emotionally need, etc. Boundaries do not mean you don’t care for the other person – they mean you love them and yourself at the same time.

xx

Manifestation, aka the law of attraction, sounds silly and like a stupid scientific theory, but it actually works. If you focus on something you want, create positive energy around it, and truly believe in it, it will come to you. I know this all sounds very unrealistic, and sort of like a hoax. But according to the experts, manifesting your love life can get you that hot dreamy partner your lusting over.

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The concept sounds simple; create a hot 6’2 boy in your head, think about that person 24/7, and know that you want him. Ha, the difference is, manifestation can only occur when you take a step back and truly reflect. You can’t just wish for a sexy boy who has a relationship with their mother, a house in the Hamptons, and knows how to handle his emotions. You have to truly believe that’s what you’re worthy of. And the only way to know what you deserve is to do a lot (and I mean a lotttttt) of reflecting, bubble baths, writing, and getting drunk alone. Two glasses of wine and you’ll be less hard on yourself. Here are my steps on how to manifest your love life. Begin at step one!

1st Step: Know Yourself

As I mentioned prior, take time to really get to know yourself. We often think that running to the grocery store, lying in bed watching Gossip Girl, or making a microwaveable dinner is considered “alone time.” True alone time is not this. It’s a cliché, but when you love yourself and know your needs, wants, and desires, you can easily manifest. I recommend spending 15-30 minutes each day alone getting to know your deepest, and sometimes scariest, self. Write in a journal, meditate, stand in front of a mirror and ask yourself questions about how you feel. You can ask yourself some hard questions like; What do you struggle with? Physically and emotionally? How do you want to be treated? What behaviors in a partner will you not tolerate? You have to become comfortable with being alone in your mind and body, before truly manifesting a healthy and positive relationship.

2nd Step: Be The Person You Want

I’ve had so many people tell me they want a wholesome, kind, loving, responsible partner; yet, they go out every night, don’t know their bodies, never have alone time, and have a hard time accepting themselves. How do you expect to receive a partner that is loving and positive when you aren’t any of that ?! Seriously, if you are looking for a night-in cooking, ambitious, hardworking partner but you are staying out till 2 am and not progressing yourself, why would someone who is ambitious come to you? I know, it’s harsh. But someone’s got to say it.

Become the person you want to attract. Of course your partner will have differences, but when it comes to values, needs, and wants, try to be on the same playing field.

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3rd Step: Be Around the People You Want to Attract

Another thing I always hear, “Why can’t I find a boyfriend who has his sh*t together and makes time for me?” Well, sis, you’re trying to find a sustainable partner at the club or the super annoyingly trendy bar on a Friday night… it’s probs not the best setting for your search. If you want a partner who is fun, flirty, adventurous, and always around people go ahead! Flirt away! But, if you want to low-key settle down and nourish a relationship, the people at these kinds of places are most likely in their 20’s and just want to have a good time.

Of course, then comes the question “Well then where do I meet someone?!” I recommend normalizing coffee shops, parks, a local restaurant, similar interest events, or mutual friends. If you see a cutie at the coffee shop, make a move. There are only so many men who read an actual book at a coffee shop on a Saturday morning left in this world, for crying out loud.

4th Step: Be Around the Friends you Want Your Partner to be Like

After you have exhausted your journal, and you are now feeling a little self-conscious, take it even further by re-evaluating your friends! Ask yourself what qualities they have and how that reflects on who you are. The people we surround ourselves with are a direct reflection of what we value. If we are surrounded by people who are creative, open, loving, and kind, the likelihood of you absorbing those qualities are higher. Just like when we are around negative people we feel it, we feel positive people too. Obviously don’t ditch your friend who might be going through something and is not so optimistic – but do think about what energies you are constantly around.

It’s all about the energies. If you don’t believe in energy but you are the person to always ask “What’s your sign?!” I think you should give the idea of energy a try.

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5th Step: Know Your Boundaries

I briefly mentioned this in the 1st step, but it deserves its own step completely. Becoming aware of what you do not want is just as important as becoming aware of what you do. This takes a lot of hard reflection as well, and I recommend dedicating a section in your journal for this. If you are consistently giving your time and energy to an unavailable, untrustworthy, or unforgiving, partner you are tolerating a negative energy. You are not showing up for yourself and setting a boundary for how you want to be treated. This is where many people lose their manifestation.

Setting a boundary, aka knowing exactly what you tolerate, is crucial. It makes it easier for us to walk away from a negative partner when we are confident in our boundaries. The clearer you are on what pisses you off, what you can sort of manage, and what simply crosses a line, the faster you can manifest. When we know what we do not want, we do not waste energy on anything that does meet those needs.

Last but not least, be easy on yourself and have patience. I know this was somewhat pessimistic, and we do need bad relationships so we can appreciate the good. But when it comes to manifesting, I have seen too many people I care about, myself included, stay in a negative energy. And it only results in reoccurring negative relationships.

Manifesting is simply tuning in, truly reflecting, and becoming more aware of who you are and what you deserve. For someone who has been treated poorly in the past, I know how hard this simple message can be. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and pain from the past, but try to open up again and trust yourself in the process.

Xx

Dirty talk. It’s an interesting concept because there is in fact nothing “dirty” about the act. It’s normal, fun, common, and can actually increase your sexual satisfaction. Dirty talk is simply being comfortable & confident with expressing your sexual needs. In other words, it’s just communicating what feels good, what you want, and how you want it. It is often thought of as very graphic and erotic but it’s simply just open communication between partners. It should occur naturally and is different for everyone.

It can be awkward to express your needs if you don’t know your needs yourself or if you are uncomfortable with this type of communication. Many people struggle with finding the right words to express their needs, wants, and desires. It’s okay to be nervous but just know there is nothing wrong, shameful, or bad about sexy talk. Some people talk dirty with their partner quickly, while others may need some time. Some people say erotic graphic phrases, while others may simply say “don’t stop that feels good.”

Everyone likes to feel appreciated and encouraged during their sexual experience. Telling your partner what feels good and basically hyping them up will never hurt a situation. So, don’t be a afraid to tell them you love their cock in you, how they touch you, how they kiss you, grab you, etc. It is also normal to express this in silence. Whatever you say, as long as it’s honest, genuine, and expressing yourself it’s good to go. There is no script for dirty talk, just say what feels good to you.

It’s important to listen to each other so you can both get turned on. Whispering “do you like that dirty little bitch?” may not be the best thing if your partner thinks those words are offensive. Communicating what you like and dislike is a must so that you can find out what works. Ask questions about what they like and don’t be afraid to tell them what you do not like. It takes confidence and control over your body to express your needs.

Never fuck someone who makes you feel like you can’t be open about what feels good. It’s your body and you control your pleasure. 

Ease into it and say what feels natural and authentic to you. If you don’t know where to start, never done it before, or you’re just shy, don’t worry. You get more comfortable as you do it and you will discover it’s fun and liberating to express yourself like this. Now here are some tips: 

SAY HOW YOU FEEL IN THE MOMENT:

Simply expressing what feels good is a huge turn on and it’s a more natural way of dirty talk. This type of talk can also encourage your partner and direct them in what you want.

  1. “Your dick feels so good inside me”
  2. “I love when you rub my clit like that”
  3. “Your tongue feels amazing sucking on my tits”
  4. “I love when you suck on my clit”
  5. “It feels so good when you suck my dick like that”
  6. “I love when you spit on it”
  7. “I love when you’re nasty”
  8. “You feel so good”
  9. “You make me so wet”
  10. “I love how hard you get me”
  11. “Your skin feels so good on mine”
  12. “Your pussy feels amazing”
  13. “Just feeling your skin makes me wet”
  14. “Feeling your pussy turns me on”
  15. “This is your pussy”
  16. “I’m your girl”

TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT:

This can be more intimidating than describing how their tongue feels on your clit, but if you say it in a simple & encouraging way it can be wonderful. You obviously wouldn’t want to yell at your partner “make me cum hard!!!” because well, that’s just aggressive. But if you whisper it in a lower tone, softer pace, and add some breath to it, it can be sound way different. “Mhmmm yeah, make me cummmm hard,” sounds hot to me.

  1. “Yeah, lick my clit like that”
  2. “I need you inside me”
  3. “I want your dick in my pussy”
  4. “Mhmm yeah spank me harder”
  5. “I love when you pin me down and fuck me”
  6. “Fuck me harder”
  7. “Yeahhh keep sucking my dick like that”
  8. “Suck on my nipples”
  9. “Grab my ass”
  10. “Fuck me like you miss me”
  11. “Eat me till you can’t anymore”
  12. “Ooohh yeah grab me like that”
  13. “I want you to kiss me harder”
  14. “I want to feel your dick twist in me”
  15. “I want to feel your wet pussy around my dick”
  16. “Make me cum”
  17. “Bite my lip”
  18. “Undress me and kiss every inch of me”
  19. “Bite me and mark me like I’m yours”

A simple “Yeah baby just like that” also works. Taking control and expressing what you want done and what feels good is sexy. It also helps your partner know what you like and it creates a open space for expressing desires.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TO THEM

After you’re done expressing what you want, give them a little love back. Make them feel good and desired too. A little sexy saying in a low soft voice never hurt no one. If you’re worried about sounding weird or terrifying try to imagine how you would feel if they said it to you.

  1. “I’m going to make you cum so hard”
  2. “I’m going to kiss every inch of you”
  3. “I want to make you feel so good”
  4. “I want to please you”
  5. “I’m going to make you moan”
  6. “I want to make you drip in cum”
  7. “I want to bend you over and fuck you”
  8. “I love when I ride you, I want to do it forever”
  9. “I’m going to eat you till you can’t move anymore”
  10. “I want to make you mine”
  11. “I want to kiss you all the time”
  12. “I want to feel your body on mine”
  13. “I’m going to feel your clit on my lips”
  14. “I want to feel your dick in my mouth”
  15. “I want to grab your ass”

Saying what you want to do is exciting for them and will probably turn you on too. Win win!

These are just examples of what to say if you need some inspo. Some are more intense than the others. If some of these scare you, a simple “I want you to feel good” or “I love when you kiss me like that” are still honest & good ways of communicating your sexual desires. It’s been proven that open communication in the bedroom increases your pleasure. It’s also important to check in with your partner as you say these things and get comfortable with each other.

At the end of all the sexy talk, it’s really about encouraging your partner & making sure what you are doing feels good ❤

I was that little girl who grew up watching every princess movie and I longed for my “one true love.” Well a couple doses of hard reality have hit me and I am now questioning this conversation. It could be because I grew up in a divorced family and never really saw what a healthy love looked like or it could be that my understanding on the topic grew. But as I explore this idea further and ask other people I have to wonder, does monogamy exist or is just an idea we have formed because of what society has shown us?

To start, a non-monogamous relationship does not always equal polyamory (having multiple committed relationships at the same time). Non-monogamy can be done in different ways. Some are; polyamory, swinging, open relationships, dating around and going to sex/play parties as either an individual or couple. Non-monogamy is not just physical acts with other people. Sometimes you can be sexually intimate with someone and have another person whom you share emotional intimacy with. This is an example of non-monogamy.

It seems to me as though everyone is in non-monogamous relationships. I recently went to a workshop where couples came to seek other individuals to bring into the mix. I was extremely confused as to how you could be committed to someone yet want to explore intimacy with other people. As I started talking to people I discovered a new understanding of this non-monogamous stuff.

Whether you choose to be with just one person or explore relations with other people at the same time it’s all about finding what works for you. Some people find non-monogamy the same as cheating. Non-monogamy and cheating is not the same. Cheating is when you have clearly defined your monogamous relationship and then your partner physically abuses this dynamic. The trust between you and your partner is broken. Cheating is most commonly defined as the act of sex or any physical activity with another person. Cheating can be a blurry topic because some individuals consider sharing intimate moments or non-physical activity with another person as cheating. That’s why it’s very important to communicate what you both need and want so there are clear boundaries.

In a non-monogamous relationship there is still trust and honest communication between both parties. You have both clearly defined what you are to each other and you both agree that you can share moments with other people. Just like any other relationship, non-monogamous relationships take work. Before committing to a non-monogamous relationship it’s important to do some research and be very honest about what you are comfortable with. Here are some tips on how to ease into a non-monogamous relationship.

1. Start with baby steps.

Society treats monogamy as the only acceptable form of a relationship so it’s important to figure out what makes you comfortable, not everyone else. This can start by going on combined dates or having casual sex before emotionally committing. Do not rush into this and make sure you both are 100% ready to start this process.

2. Accept the jealousy.

One major obstacle with non-monogamy is the chance of jealously. If you know you will become jealous when your partner is on a date, you should either not participate in this type of relationship or find a way to manage and accept it. Sometimes you can’t give your partner everything they need and that is okay. You also may have needs that they cannot meet.

3. Create an agreement.

It sounds strange but sitting down and outlining what you both want is very important. These agreements can range from setting a rule about both practicing condom usage with other partners to clearly stating who you can/cannot have sex with. By clearly defining what you both need the chances of becoming upset are less likely. Create a rule for what happens if these agreements get broken and come to a mutual understanding of each others desires. Also be aware that situations can occur and you may have to re-negotiate with your partner. It’s normal to keep coming back to these needs and re-evaluating them as time passes.

4. Communicate. Communicate.

This is so important in any relationship. You both have to honestly express your expectations and worries before diving into this. You need to be very honest with how this will make you feel and be patient when building this dynamic. It is also important to stay communicating throughout the process. This is what can lead to the breaking of trust and then it is not a consensual relationship. It can be scary telling your partner about your other relations but it’s important to always communicate when a situation occurs and build that trust. As we grow and explore what works for us our desires can change. If we are no longer happy in a non-monogamous relationship it is also important to communicate that.

5. Research and find a supportive community.

There are numerous guides and books to help you navigate what a non-monogamous relationship can be like. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up both discuss open relationships and give a helpful guide to people interested in this. There are also groups who can provide comfort and reassurance. Meetup.com is an online platform that connects you with other people/groups that participate in open relationships. Engaging in these communities can make you not feel alone in this.

Non-monogamous relationships are viewed as inhumane within society and there is a huge stigma around them. This stigma all starts with the movies and mainstream media. Society is most comfortable with two people falling in love, having children, and living happily ever after. This is the “right way” to live and is associated with the goodness of our character. If you do have multiple sexual/romantic partners in your life or do not follow this path, you can still be a trustworthy and good person.

At the end of the day if you are happy and enjoy your relationship with someone that is all that matters.

This topic is something that gets me heated. It’s extremely frustrating that any form of social media impacts how we have relationships. It impacts how we think, speak, and sleep with each other.

It’s so easy to scroll through Instagram and be bombarded by millions of people who are easily reachable. It’s tempting to hit them with a couple likes or even a cute lil DM. It’s easy to get lost in the social media flirting game.

Social media can ruin trust between two people. It’s easy to overthink it and question what your partner is doing behind the screen. Does a flirty DM mean you want them sexually? Does liking a provocative photo when you are taken mean you want to sleep with them? Or are you already sleeping with them? These are questions I have heard SO many times & seen people get upset about. Including myself. It’s easy to get in your head about what your partner is up to and it’s even easier for your partner to hide it behind their phone. This lack of trust will obviously impact the relationship mentally and physically. Without trust, a relationship just won’t work.

This easy DM thing also destroys all honest & real communication between two people. It’s easy to talk to someone over text or Instagram and think you know who they are, what they like, and create an idea of how things might go sexually (and mentally!) This then leads to expectations that are probably going to let you down. You can create all these expectations in your head about what your relationship is and how well you know someone just by text and social media. It can be awkward if our expectations go wrong and can cause us to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable. This leads to a lack in communication. Since we are used to talking over a screen it can be hard to express ourselves if something gets awkward. No one enjoys actually speaking face-to-face about these problems, but hey they can send you an “I’m sorry” DM.

It’s easy to hide messages, delete conversations, and basically make it look like you are something you’re not. Everyone knows this and our generation is the worst yet nothing really changes. If you ever have a suspicion that your partner is not telling the truth, yet a name with a heart emoji pops up every second of the day, just leave. Literally walk out of the room. I have learned the hard way and it’s just not worth it. A relationship should be built off trust and honest communication. When you trust your partner and feel comfortable expressing yourself in person your sexual relationship will thrive.

Social media and texting will always impact our relationships but that doesn’t mean everyone out here is sending wild DM’s. This wasn’t just a rant about DM’s. It’s deeper than that. Social media impacts how we view ourselves therefore impacting our confidence with others. I have seen my friends get seriously hurt about this stuff and question themselves because of a silly Instagram situation. Put your phone down and communicate with the person you like. If you do have someone who is faithful to you, hold on to them!

When it comes to the female orgasm the conversation is blurred. For some reason our society has made it all about the male orgasm and once the man orgasms you are then “done” and you are supposed to just lay there satisfied because your man is. I rarely have a man say “did you cum?” after sex because they usually just assume I did too. I find this ridiculous and sort of laughable. Pleasing your partner feels great but you deserve the same feeling. Sex should be an equal activity.

An orgasm is very different for men and women. This post is going to focus on the female side. There is a huge lack of research and knowledge around how the female orgasms. As a female, it is completely okay to not orgasm. This does not mean you can’t orgasm – it just means that you haven’t, or do not from sex. If you look up stories on how many women do not orgasm you will not feel alone. Stress, anxiety, fatigue, and other emotional responses can make it difficult to reach an orgasm.

A vaginal orgasm, or climax, is defined as an explosive discharge of neuromuscular tensions at the peak of sexual response. Two alterations in the genital organs vasocongestion (when the blood swells up) and myotonia (muscle tension) are the cause of orgasm. The response to these stimuli are focused in the vaginal area but there is also a total body response. Being “wet” does not mean you have orgasmed. An orgasm is the peak of sexual climax where as being wet is just our vaginas naturally releasing fluids during arousal.

You do not always scream and moan when you are orgasming. Some are more silent about the climax and some aren’t. Either way is normal. I blame movies and porn for the unrealistic portrayal of female orgasms. They show women climaxing from penetration alone and sometimes it’s not that easy. MANY women do not orgasm from penetration alone. If you do orgasm from penetration alone, lucky you.

The length of an orgasm varies and can last anywhere between 7 and 107 seconds. On average women take 20 minutes to reach orgasm.

Vaginal orgasms are the most difficult to achieve but it is the most common way people think of pleasure. Only about 5% to 15% of people with vaginas orgasm just from vaginal intercourse. When it comes to vaginal orgasms circular motions (rather than an in-and-out movement) and repeating motions that feel good can increase possibility of orgasm.

Vaginal intercourse is NOT the only way to orgasm. There are many other ways to orgasm such as clitoral and vulva stimulation, using fingers, oral sex, or adding a toy. Two thirds of women prefer direct clitoral stimulation, and the most popular motions are up and down, circular shape, and side to side. Around 1 in 10 women prefer firm pressure, while most prefer light to medium touch on their vulva. When using a finger mimicking the “come hither” motion is often effective. This is when the index and middle finger are inserted into the vagina, palm up. As the fingers are are moving in and out, they must curl them up as if they were motioning someone to “come here,” rubbing the G spot. When combined with oral techniques this can cause an orgasm.

Oral sex should be reciprocal but it often is not. This is bullshit.

There is debate that every women needs clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm because there is no clear/ right way to orgasm. Every woman is different in what they prefer and this is why being open about what you want is critical.

So why are women not getting the orgasms they deserve each time? Studies show that women have been taught not to speak about what they want in bed and will be perceived as pushy. Another reason is simply not enough education and communication around the subject!!

I recommend getting to know your own body so you can figure out what you need and then you can show/tell/ guide your partner into what feels good. There is no shame in guiding your partner or telling them what feels good. Honest communication with your partner and being comfortable with your sexual preferences will help you achieve an orgasm. If you are having sex your pleasure should be just as important as your partners. I don’t know why sex has became so focused on the male ejaculation but ladies it’s time to speak up and get some orgasm equality!!

Without emotional intimacy a relationship is bound to fail. To me, intimacy is when you are vulnerable with your emotions and share your mind honestly & openly. I think everyone is a little scared to be intimate with someone because you can feel out of control. Getting close to someone can mean rejection, pain, and tons of other strong emotions.

Being intimate with someone takes time.

I think people are becoming less intimate with each other and that upsets me. It’s so easy to hide emotions and the pressure of society doesn’t help. Intimacy isn’t about asking how someone is, sleeping in the same bed, or texting all day. None of this really means you know & feel for someone. It’s about being honest with your struggles and how your mind works. It’s about sharing your mind and emotions with someone without fear.

Sometimes when someone is trying to get close to you, it’s easier to push them away than deal with the strong emotions you feel.

I have issues with intimacy as well. It may be from my past of being hurt and let down by people I trust and love. For a long time I didn’t realize I had a fear of intimacy and I didn’t know how to change it.

These are some common signs for someone who is scared of intimacy:

  1. Sabotaging your relationships. Whether that is by being unfaithful or creating a problem when you are happy, it’s still pushing away intimacy. By sabotaging that strong connection you have then escaped the chance of getting hurt. By being unfaithful to your partner you create an emotional distance which can make the feelings seem less close to your heart.
  2. Fear of rejection. This is deeper than just a fear of someone saying no to you. This fear comes from a deep place inside where you feel “unworthy” of someones love so you choose to be alone. By avoiding the relationship all together, there is no chance of rejection, because you never even tried.
  3. Wrong partners. Do you always pick the same partner who you see no future with? Picking partners who you see no future with or who don’t expect anything from you lets you avoid intimacy. This is the worst way to avoid it because you can feel empty and abandoned.
  4. Pushing people away. It’s normal to make them work for it in the beginning but completely ghosting someone is an indicator that you are scared to get emotionally close. If you have been ghosted, just know it’s their own insecurities and it probably has nothing to do with you! Unless you did something insane, then I’m not sure.
  5. Scared of physical intimacy. When you are emotionally scared it can make sex difficult. You can either have lots of partners to try to avoid the possibility of actually getting to know someone, or scared to truly make love. There is a big difference. You might try to avoid feeling vulnerable or exposed during sex. This can cause you to not let your partner into your mind, thus destroying intimacy.

What to do if you experience any of these behaviors:

  1. Be honest with yourself and admit it. We all say we want love and to be real with each other, but not a lot of us actually do it. Look at your past patterns and be really honest with what has happened to you and why you might act this way.
  2. Feel your feelings. Falling in love can remind us of our past pain, but don’t kill it. When you avoid the pain you minimize the joy felt. Allow yourself to feel deeply for others and be open to the strong emotions.
  3. Accept vulnerability. The dating world promotes a culture of game-playing. “Don’t let her see how much you like her, who cares least, etc.” Don’t fall into it. Being vulnerable shows strength. It shows that you overcame the fears in your mind and stayed yourself. It’s okay to be vulnerable and open. In fact, it’s cooler when you can express how much you like someone.
  4. Love yourself. This is cliché but honestly the most important. When you learn to love yourself at a deeper level you can become intimate with yourself, then with others. Most people fear intimacy because they are scared to be abandoned. But when you love yourself you will never truly be abandoned. You will have yourself.

There are many other ways to overcome this but these are what have helped me. It’s also very normal to experience some of these signs. Most people have intimacy issues. I just hope we can all be aware if we do, and try to work on it. I hope people can become more open with each other because it will lead them to a happier relationship with themselves, and others.