People will do anything when they feel alone. The need to bond is especially heightened when we are drinking, and that causes a problem because the amount of lonely people in the world + the dependence we have on alcohol = a very lonely, sad, and reoccurring fix to a much deeper problem. Everyone struggles with feelings of loneliness, yet we are conditioned to soothe these feelings with temporary reliefs or crutches. Such as – socialization, work, exercise, drinking, partying, companionship, sex, drugs, shopping, money, etc etc. A classic line sounds like, “I need a drink, it’s been a long day.” If you had a stressful and emotional day the LAST thing you should do is go running towards an alcoholic beverage because like mostly all of us, the one drink will turn into 3 then 4 then the next thing you know it’s a night out, filled with demonic energy, and you have successfully distracted yourself from the root of your problem – the inability to sit in the feeling of stress, emotion, and discomfort from the day. Instead of having a drink to “unwind” why don’t we take a walk, ride a bike, or drink a cup of tea together? Come together in harmony and peace over our battles? 

What you are really trying to say at the end of a stressful day is, “I have had an emotional day. Can someone please take care of me? Can someone/something please support me?” Because that connection, the ability that we have as humans to nurture and love each other is what will soothe an emotional day, not a quick sip of poison. But the liquid is there for you. It’s right there, so easy to swallow, so seductive and sexy, so quick to turn to and easily justified by our peers. If we told each other how we felt, how unbelievably lonely, sad, or upset we may be feeling from our days or years of ignoring our peace, who would listen? Is poison our best listener? Or is it just the only listener that we feel comfortable enough to turn to? Telling a human how we feel consumed with loneliness that we may cave in and decay is much scarier than quietly sipping that drink and sulking deep into the chair you decide to sit upon. 

Alcohol and sex are even more dangerous yet soothing to the lonely soul. I have reached out to a former partner, or a complete stranger, just to soothe my temporary drunken need to bond. To not be alone. The desire to be held, kissed, loved, fucked, etc is through the roof when we are intoxicated, and we will reach out to anyone to fill that need if we cannot fill it ourselves. But that’s the thing about liquor. It can destroy our ability to be there for ourselves like we need. The poison can overrule our true selves and send us into a euphoric yet dishonest part of being. And that’s where this all begins, and my mind begins to wonder.

WHY do we feel so lonely? WHY do we seek these temporary reliefs and HOW can we fix this ongoing and common issue that we all seem to struggle with, yet no one speaks upon it or admits to it? Of course, not everyone drinks and has sex to fulfill this desire to bond, and there are times when drinking can be a good night that does not turn into a night of coping with reality, but these times seem slim to none compared to the countless times I have drank to cope and I have seen mostly everyone around me do the same. And if you aren’t using drinking to cope, the likelihood of us using another crutch, like the ones I previously mentioned, are pretty high. Drinking to cope usually leads to attraction to cope, to feel seen, wanted, or important. The desire to be seen is heightened when we are drinking. I have countlessly started off a seductive and low-key night with a cocktail or two and it has led to me being out for hours, receiving validation and attention from people who could actually care less about me, they just want to be seen too. To feed off a soul hungry for the night. So even if you aren’t drinking to cope to start the night, ask yourself – WHAT is the point of this night? Is it to be flirted with? Is it to meet someone you can go home with? Is it to receive some sort of validation that you cannot give yourself? Is it to post a hot pic? If your answer is honestly nothing to do with a desire to be seen, wanted, or accepted – that’s great. We need more people like you in this world. More people who feel seen, heard, and valued inside themselves. More people who had a childhood filled with little to no severe neglect, abuse, or trauma. We wonder why so many people use these ways to cope and use other people to cope, well let’s look at our childhoods. 

My desire to bond, to be accepted, needed, and loved stems from an incredibly dark childhood. I cannot even remember any of my childhood before the age of 12, a very common effect of trauma. From a very young age I got the message that I was unsafe and deserved to live a chaotic life. My father, dangerously unreliable, always promising things he could not deliver than manipulating the situation and topping it off with his narcissistic victim mentality, combined with my mother who suffered years and years of alcoholism at a young age due to her family trauma and an overall distrust for the world and for people around her, caused me to be comfortable in a very unreliable and unsafe home. Children have primary needs and wants that must be met. If these needs are not met by the main caregiver, the child gets the message that they are unsafe, and they will begin to cope and survive in whatever way they can. For me, I coped with lashing out. I survived this chaotic childhood by making everything bigger than it needed to be. By crying, fighting back, yelling, or screaming as a child and by over drinking and over destructing as a young adult. I didn’t care if it took me screaming to be noticed as a child, as long as I was noticed at all – which I very rarely was. As I grew up this survival mechanism stayed with me but just translated into heavier and more “adult” ways of coping/trying to be seen and understood. There have been many times when I’m drunk and off drugs where I just want to yell, “Will anyone understand me? Will anyone hold me? Fuck me?” These have been times where I am that child. Destroying and sabotaging everything around me because that’s how I survived as her. That’s how I was finally seen by my caregivers. I remember being a child and crying so loud in my room just in hopes that one of my parents would come check on me. 

Now, as an adult I see that these ways are fucking useless and will not help me survive. They no longer serve who I am today – someone who is caring, compassionate, and fearless. However, there are still many nights where I do result back to this inner child and I reach for that temporary relief rather than soothing myself. Alcohol and sex only soothe you for so long. The real way to soothe ourselves is to tune into these feelings – into these deep desires to be understood and not alone. But this is not the easier option. I understand why so many people turn to the crutches for help. I understand how I spent dark nights out drinking, being seen, being fucked, only to wake up feeling emptier and alone but somehow doing it again the next night. I understand how we as a society believe that coping with these feelings looks different than it actually is. Because the truth is, the crutches we turn to do feel fucking good, and they do make you feel important. But the importance never lasts, and as we are all fighting to be seen over the person beside us or to be the desired one among a crowd, we must ask ourselves what need from our childhood we are trying to capture so desperately and obviously. And if you are lucky enough to face this need and wound without depending on alcohol, a depressant… then you are blessed and well on your way to a healing path where you are heard and seen by no one more important than yourself.

Days become weeks and weeks become months, and before you know it, you’re lying in bed with someone who you can’t truly stand in life but desperately crave beside you. The feeling of warmth and safety only comes when they are exposed, raw to your heart. The passion and connection are so alive and intense that you think it must be the same in every way, but to your disappointment, the fire is not there emotionally. You try desperately to find that feeling in other places within the relationship, but it never satisfies. Because the real stuff, the things that truly make you love someone are simply not there. But you are too blinded by the wound you are trying to fill to see clearly and the lust confuses your mind, hopelessly allowing you to fall back into their body each time.

It started off so intensely. The love bombing and constant admiration – I felt so valued and loved. Something I never felt as a child and could not yet give myself. His gentle touch in the bedroom and soft wet kisses left me feeling weightless. After sex the damage would follow. His sweet gentle touch and deep loving dick would turn into harsh name calling and devaluation, calling me a slut or a crazy person. The cycle of verbal abuse typically came after I felt good, after I had the power. Did he feel vulnerable during our sex too? Or was he just allowing the moment to feel vulnerable and intimate to get me ready for another verbal attack? To open me up softly, only to cut me? I will never have all the answers, but I do know for certain, never again will I fall into the deep and dangerous world of lust and obsession.

Obsession isn’t crazy or unusual, and it’s easy for us to become obsessed with someone when we don’t see ourselves first. I confused my obsession for love and my codependent heart latched onto the idea of someone loving me. People who have experienced severe neglect or abuse tend to hold on so tight, gripping onto an attachment wound, until they can’t breathe anymore or get trapped in the lust. Cycles of love bombing only to feel neglected was nothing new to me. My father did this enough to me as a child and I’ve constantly repeated the pattern in my relationships. Expect this is different. There is more bleeding when your gentle heart and naked body are involved.

Be careful of those who leave you feeling so seen and safe during sex. Pay attention to their character outside of the bedroom and how they treat others who they aren’t fucking. If I had looked closely and removed my desire to feel safe and heard by a man, I would have seen that it wasn’t his love for who I am and what I have been through that made our sex so alive, it was his desire to control me and get me vulnerable in the easiest way possible. The most deceitful yet natural and known way of captivating a young woman.

His wounds were so large on his heart I could taste them when I went to kiss his neck as he fucked me. I could almost bite into them and feel the fleshy and delicate opening that was trying so hopelessly to close up with me. They fed off mine, over and over. My abandonment scars and childhood filled of chaos, along with my mother passing and narcissistic father walking out on me as a little girl, led me to believe that if someone could make love to me and take care of me, if they could truly hear me and look at me with those eyes – then they must really love me. But he never loved me, he just loved the cycle we put each other through. The highs and lows that come from such a powerful and lustful connection between two lost bodies. He loved how I could get down on my knees and fall over and over for his charming and seductive ways. He also loved my pussy.

Be careful of how fast things move between you and a soul. I felt like I plunged deep into the ocean within a week of meeting him and couldn’t see the sun any longer. There was no building or growing, it was just a straight dive into the water. I knew the moment we met that I wanted to be close to him, to bite into his lips and cum with him. The way he looked at me within those first few weeks, like I was a goddess sent from the garden of Eve there to rescue him. Attraction is necessary in a relationship, but it doesn’t need to be every time, all the time, or right away. This is another sign of obsession, of a wound from our childhood. If things are moving too fast, too soon, it’s most likely our inner child trying to speak – the child within us that does not understand patience and delayed gratification.

I’ve been told women are a safe place for traumatized men. I believe we are all a safe place for those who don’t have one inside themselves already. He took me to nice dinners, complimented me, agreed with me, listened to me, showed interest, kissed me softly. Everything was a fairytale in the start, and I became weak. I became that little girl again and I let my mind fold into his. As soon as I let this guard down and fell into it, our sex became more of a reason to fight and the reason we kept going back to each other. It was the only time we both truly felt safe and seen after everything got bad. It was the only time our inner child heard each other. Watch out for how he handles a problem in his life. Look for what he turns to soothe himself when he doesn’t get his way or feels misheard by you and others. It’s typically sex, alcohol, drugs, money or girls that these souls feed off to temporarily fix their pain.

I’m still licking my open cuts left from the overwhelmingly lustful and broken times together. I loved how he made me feel in those moments. How the intimate and sexual moments made me feel alive and wanted. I’ve always loved the thrill and seductive side of life, but this isn’t real or long lasting. A partner is someone who supports you, who doesn’t fuck you then end up calling you a whore afterwards, someone who shares the same values and life goals, pushes you to be better, and who doesn’t put their wounds onto yours. My dark side was not accepted or pushed, but my body and affection was. To have someone who can do the same for themselves. That is the key to true love – finding someone who already loves themselves.

Don’t get consistent dick and confuse it with real connection. It will happen, because we are horny creatures longing to be loved and kissed in order to be seen or desired, but this will never last. We must fall in love with the soul. The demon inside that only shows after we have been naked within ourselves. If he can’t love his own devil, or if you can’t love yours, the sex will be fire until it burns out and you are left with a crumbling body that is terrified of showing the true self.

Sex is a confusing and incredibly delicate activity that we perform. Lust is real and many of us do not understand it, until we are out of it, damaged and battling our inner selves. I am here to tell you that it is real, and it can save you many years of disappointment and confusion if you can distinguish between lust and love, between your pain and true needs, between using someone to soothe those needs and soothing yourself. Do you love his character within the first months, or do you love the attention? Is his affection and availability to you love, or is it just making you feel safe? Is feeling safe the same as love? I know how good it feels to be fucked well, and I know how it can make you feel so important and safe with that person, but you probably aren’t yet. It simply doesn’t happen that fast and safety must be found within ourselves first.

Pay close attention to the words he uses to describe the world around him. Many narcissistic and manipulative relationships start off with an intense sexual bond. This is typically how the abuser gets you vulnerable enough to later destroy you.

Share yourself with them over time, be patient, then you get to decide if you love them. Love is a choice, and many people will give up or their demon will get the best of them before they can unconditionally love you. Share your goals, past, weird tricks and strange ideas, insecurities and failures. Share it all with them and with yourself. Because once you understand your patterns and how a relationship is just a reflection of our own needs and wounds, you can see how it’s easy to keep repeating a familiar cycle of what you’ve been conditioned to believe is love, and how this view of love can be horribly distorted and painful if we do not face the devious and dangerous wound that is keeping us from finding a true connection, not just another dick or lustful bond that reinforces the powerless little girl I once was.

When we hear domestic abuse we often think of physical abuse, in fact, I had no idea that emotional, physiological, and mental abuse fell under the term. But the term domestic abuse literally means an abuse of power. A more proper definition is, “It is the domination, coercion, intimidation and victimisation of one person by another by physical, sexual or emotional means within intimate relationships.”

This article is a bit more personal, because I have put myself into abusive relationships where I have lost all sense of self-worth, values, and confidence. Between the manipulation, gaslighting, and controlling behavior (such as shaming me for posting my body on the gram), I got blinded and I felt trapped. But hey, at least now I know all about abusive behavior. Woo!

A power and control relationship includes using intimidation, using emotional abuse (puts downs, making you feel guilty, making you feel bad about yourself), using isolation (controlling what you do, what you see, using jealously to justify actions), minimizing/denying and blaming (making light of the abuse, saying it didn’t happen, putting blame onto victim), using children to make you feel guilty, using male privilege, using economic abuse, and using coercion and threats.

The cycle of abuse comes in 4 stages. It begins with tensions building (the victim becomes fearful and feels the need to please the abuser), incident occurs (anger, blaming, threats, intimidation), reconciliation (abuser apologizes, gives excuses, & blames victim), and ends with the honeymoon phase (calmness, victim is hopeful things will change) and a big fat dose of denial takes place.

This may all sound obvious, like duh this is abusive and controlling. But when you’re actually in the cycle, the guilt and blame works as a tool to make you stay. The more shame, blame, and fear I felt the more I believed I deserved it. I abandoned my own needs, (a common outcome of dealing with abuse), and I wanted to fix my partner so badly, make them see that I wasn’t the only problem. Help them see that this insecure and controlling behavior was always an issue, it wasn’t just me who brought it on. Many empaths (people who are the healers, the nurturers, the highly sensitive lovers that give, and give, and give, often to the point of exhaustion), are great victims for abusers. I wanted to heal, help, and mend their trauma and pains. In some way, I thought if I could help them it would help me.

This article isn’t going to go more into abusive patterns, how to walk away from an abuser, or what signs to look out for. This is going to be about the work. The difficult tuning in process that allows us to somewhat heal. This is for the people who attract this behavior into their life and don’t know why. It’s very common for the victim to want to understand the abuser, replay the situations, or keep blaming themselves. But my therapist said something that inspired this article and myself, “Focus on what you need to to heal. What attracted you to that type of person rather than focusing on them.” And boom. My healing journey truly began.

In order to heal from abuse, it takes a lot of strength and honesty within yourself. Walking away from them is a great start but if you don’t face those demons the same person will show up again.

I’ve always had my shit. My self destructive patterns, self-sabotaging my life constantly, wanting to fix others, and little self value. I know I’m a bad bitch, so when I say low self value I don’t mean in my appearance or talents, I mean mentally not so confident. Growing up, my mother would bring me down with verbal phrases and when she became very sick I completely lost myself and my needs. Not to mention I also lost my virginity at 13 to a complete scumbag.

I’ve always known that my past has gotten me into toxic places, and that I need to work on that part of me. But unfortunately life get’s busy, I get distracted, and I don’t truly take the time. And this is a problem for many people. We seem to believe that life is on a race track and the universe is in a rush. Our pains and experiences that shape us are left in the dark for something else. Something exciting or light. In a city like New York, I especially felt this. The pressure to keep grinding, moving, and ultimately not healing within.

Taking the time to truly understand and work through your own shit is the best way to rise above controlling and abusive behavior. I believe as a society we struggle with putting aside time to actually heal. It’s one thing to do self-care and another to dig through your childhood trauma or your verbally abusive dad. In the US especially, we struggle with reaching out for help, taking time away from work, and being completely open and vulnerable with ourselves. I say this because our value system is based upon money, success, and individualism. We are not a collective society and this can become isolating, making it difficult to ask for help or realize you need help.

Needing help to battle and work through your pain is completely okay. We all have something fucked up inside us, some people are just better at ignoring, distracting, or sedating it. I wouldn’t be able to process everything if it weren’t for my therapist and support system I’ve built. We shouldn’t have to fight these feelings alone, a belief that we have seemed to build in society and especially within healing.

Healing is a collective activity. Having people who can help you, listen to you, and heal with you is crucial. It sounds simple, building a support group, but it’s more difficult than we think because in order to build a group that can help you – they also must be willing to help themselves. Which many people are not. Many people are okay with living in a world full of distractions from the pain they feel.

So take the time to slow down, it’s okay to not be where you want yet. Like I mentioned, the world is in no rush. Build a support system with others who can be there for you and try to heal yourself. You won’t heal over night and you may not ever heal 100%. But that’s okay, and there’s no pressure on how long it takes.

This process is really hard, and if you’re in an abusive relationship and someone tells you to just “walk away” I give you permission to curse them out. People who are not in the cycle or never have been love to tell those who are to just walk away.

Instead of giving this classic line, help them figure out how they got there. Ask them how they feel about their self-worth, if they have a history of abuse, how it feels when the abuse happens, and how you can best help. Asking these types of questions and trying to understand their struggle is a hell lot better than “just get out.”

This convo will be hard, and it may bring up some of your own issues, but that’s the beauty of healing together and asking for help. You never know who else feels the same or can relate to your struggle. ❤