Rope Bondage 101

Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending a rope bondage class by Yin Q. Yin Q has been a BDSM practitioner for over twenty years. Q has been featured in publications such as Paper Magazine and Huff Post. I highly recommend attending one of her group or private classes, public speaking engagements, or any other classes offered. She is truly amazing.

I have always been interested in BDSM culture but this was my first class on rope bondage. Rope bondage is just one small section of BDSM, or kinks. BDSM is basically an umbrella term for kinks. BDSM is largely misinterpreted because of movies & media. It is shown as a warped power struggle – or even abuse. You can combine submission, sadism, and masochism in a healthy way. For those unfamiliar with the BDSM culture here are some terms to know:

Submissive – One who gives, relents, or doesn’t have power.

Sadism/Sadist – Someone who finds enjoyment in giving pain to another/the act of enjoying giving pain to another. Sadists like pain for many different reasons; some are sexual, some aren’t.

Masochism/Masochist – Someone who enjoys pain/the act of enjoying pain. Can sometimes indicate the feeling of pain as pleasure, or the simple enjoyment of pain as pain.

Bottom – A role referring to the person receiving sensation.  One who receives sensation of action.

Top – A role referring to the person giving sensation. One who gives sensation or action.

Safe Words – These are very important to establish because part of the fun can be yelling “no no” but you do not actually mean stop. These words can be used to stop, pause, or completely end a scene. “Yellow” is most commonly used for pause and “Red” is used to stop. Using “Red” three times means completely end scene.

A scene is a pre-planned space where BDSM activities take place. The scene is discussed fully and consists of an agreed upon beginning, middle, and end. 

These terms and more definitions of kinks can be found from one of my favorites, Rekink.

Kinks can range from using cuffs, rope, biting, blind folds, nipple clamps, fisting, tickling, to more uncommon kinks such as wax play, sounding, animal fur, pins/needles or sharp objects, staging a murder, fire play, tooth fetish, golden showers, etc. There are lists out there with “all” kinks within BDSM but our imaginations are limitless, so do not feel restricted by these lists.

Now since I have discussed the basics of BDSM, time to get into the actual act of bondage. The best way to learn how to actually do the knots is to take a class but I will share my tips.

  1. Nylon rope is the best for starters and for your skin. Nylon is soft yet strong, so the knots stay in place. It is also relatively cheap and easy to find. Etsy has some good rope and cute colors to choose from.
  2. If your bottom does use a safe word and the scene is over cut the rope calmly and quickly. Even if you have beautifully tied them up and it took 20 minutes. Their safety is most important. Etsy also has some good safety shears that cut nylon rope easily. Make sure you have some when participating in bondage.
  3. Be careful of key pressure points. There is a very sensitive nerve on the upper arm -halfway down the outside of your upper arm – so make sure you move the rope either higher or lower to avoid this point.
  4. Start with wrists, lower calfs, lower stomach, and upper thighs. Always make sure you can fit two fingers between the skin and rope. Yin Q recommends not tying the neck until you are an expert.
  5. Tingling is normal for 20 minutes. If the pins and needles continue for longer the rope may need to moved or the scene may need to end.
  6. Always check in on your bottom to make sure their fingers can move easily.
  7. Minor injures from bondage can occur so treat like any other rash or burn. After the ropes are removed there may be slight indents on the skin. These will fade in about 20 minutes.
  8. When tying knots use the over under method. This makes the knots tight.

Rope Bondage is about communication and understanding each others needs. It is very important to discuss prior to a scene what you want and what you do not want. Checking on your bottom throughout the scene is critical and it can also help to discuss after the scene. Being restrained can be very calming and invigorating if done in a healthy way.

Playing with bondage is usually an emotional and intimate activity. It can be rough, soft, or anywhere in between. Make sure you really trust your partner and that you both feel safe and comfortable prior to a scene. Communicate your needs. Check in with each other throughout the scene and do not be afraid to speak up. Bondage should be a pleasurable and freeing experience.

NATURAL REMEDIES FOR A HEALTHY VAGINA

Vaginas have this magical thing called a PH level. Maintaining a normal PH level is essential to a healthy vagina. The desired level is between a 3.8 and a 4.5.

This means there is a balance between good and bad bacteria. Vaginas naturally have a good bacteria called Lactobacillus (a microbiome) that protects against STIs and infections. This bacteria actually feeds on glycogen found in vaginal mucus and emits lactic acid and sometimes hydrogen peroxide. Lactic acid and hydrogen peroxide are what kill bad bacteria and viruses so it’s very important to keep this bacteria alive.

I know it sounds weird that there is a good bacteria in your vagina but trust me it’s normal and every female has it. An unbalanced PH level simply means you have an infection/irritation.

When the levels are higher than a 7 bad bacteria can grow because it is too acidic down there (the good bacteria is too low). PH levels are measured by your gyno and this test is what determines the type of the infection. If you are itchy, smelly, or irritated that means your PH level is off!

If you do have an unbalanced PH level it’s important to treat it or the infection may become worse. Here are some natural and effective ways to treat an unbalanced vagina:

1. Tea tree oil. Dilute tea tree oil in a bath for best results or onto a warm towel and lightly press around the infected area. Use 2-3 drops. Not only does this help fight off infections, but it also calms any symptoms of burning or itching.

2. Apple cider vinegar. Combine 1-2 tablespoons of vinegar with water and drink 2-3 times a day until infection is gone.

3. Oregano oil. The thymol and carvacrol in oregano oil help treat infections. Dilute 2-3 drops with water and actually drink the oil!! You can drink this twice a day for a week.

(When it comes to oils never directly apply to the vagina. Always dilute in water first)

4. Do not douche!! I hear so many women say that douching is a great way to clean/get rid of bacteria but any gyno will tell you not to do it! It actually removes the healthy bacteria and can spread bacteria from the cervix into the uterus. Douches that are sold in supermarkets are filled with fragrances and antiseptics.

4. Yogurt. I’m telling you, yogurt saves vaginas. You can either eat it or even apply a thin layer on the infected area. Just make sure the yogurt is low in sugar and natural. Greek yogurt is the best.

5. Garlic. Eating 1-2 gloves of raw garlic a day can help fight off infections. Do not apply a garlic paste or cream on your vagina. This can actually be too aggressive and irritate the vagina lining.

6. Virgin coconut oil. Wash and dry vagina prior to applying a thin layer of coconut oil over the area and keep it on until symptoms subside.

7. Epsom salt baths! These work really well for me. 2-3 cups of Epsom salts in a warm bath for 10-15 minutes does the trick.

8. Eating fermented foods like kimchi, sauerkraut, and coconut or grass-fed kefir can also help balance out the levels. I try to drink kombucha 2-3 times a week because it fights off yeast and improves the immune system.

These are all tips I have learned from my gyno (and they work for me) but there are many other natural remedies that may work better for you. Every female reacts differently to infections.

If your infection still doesn’t go away within 2-3 days or the symptoms become worse, consult your doctor. You may need an anti-fungal medicine. These home remedies are a great start because they can preserve the good bacteria in your vagina, unlike harsh creams and antibiotics.

I suggest doing some of these treatments even if you don’t have an infection. Even if it’s once a month, your PH level will thank you. 🙂

TIPS TO PREVENT YEAST INFECTIONS

We have all been there… You get a little itch and you think it’s the end of the world but it’s just a yeast infection. Although uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassing, they are nothing to be ashamed of! Yeast infections are treatable and not always from sex. You can get a yeast infection from wearing underwear too long, wiping weird, or eating an unbalanced diet.

Yeast infections occur when there is an overgrowth of yeast in the vagina. Since the PH level of a vagina can fluctuate a lot as a young woman it’s very easy to build up too much yeast and cause an infection. It sounds really gross but trust me they are common and very normal to experience. The vagina is always cleaning and changing!

There are other common infections such as UTI’s or Bacterial Vaginosis (BV). A BV can occur when changing partners because the vagina is getting used to a different sexual chemistry. Since the vagina can easily be disturbed, the new partner can throw off the PH balance and an overgrowth of bacteria can form. This infection is also treatable and can sometimes be mistaken for a yeast infection.

If you have any burning, itching, or un usual discharge it is most likely a BV or yeast infection. When I have had yeast infections in the past I always know because of the itchiness and discharge. A BV is more painful and uncomfortable and a UTI usually burns while peeing/sex.

UTI’s, BV’s, and yeast infections can all be treated and are normal to experience!! Here are some overall tips on how to avoid upsetting your vagina PH levels:

  1. Wipe front to back!! I still see women wipe from back to front and that can cause bacteria to transfer into your vagina. Don’t do it.
  2. Wear cotton underwear and change it regularly. Nylon and spandex underwear traps moisture which can make yeast grow.
  3. Eat foods that balance your PH levels. My gyno always tells me to eat yogurt because of the probiotics but if you don’t like yogurt you should take a probiotic supplement. Probiotics are very important for vagina health. (they keep bacteria from growing!) I take Renew Life Women’s complete Probiotic but you can find probiotics at most supermarkets.
  4.  Eat veggies, fruits, and not too much sugar! Sugar promotes yeast growth in the vagina because yeast tends to thrive in moist and sweet environments. This is also why alcohol can cause infections because of the sugar. So stay away from a lot of that too.
  5. If you are prescribed an antibiotic you must take an anti-fungal medicine with it! Since antibiotics kill bacteria it also kills the good bacteria needed in the vagina so you need to balance it out with another medication.
  6. Stay away from scented soaps and feminine products. This is a big one. Natural products are so much better for your vagina because scented ones have tons of artificial chemicals that can cause bacteria to grow. (tip: do not wash your vagina with soap, just use warm water and a cloth because the soap can actually mess up your PH level)
  7. Sleep more!! Sounds silly, but when your immune system is down it’s easier to get an infection. Sleep can lower the risk of infection and keep your vagina PH levels stable.
  8. Lastly, drink a ton of water. This flushes out any bad bacteria and helps promote healthy PH levels. I try to drink 2-3 liters a day.

These tips are simple and easy to remember! It’s important to do all of these, not just one, in order to maintain a happy and healthy vagina 🙂

Next I will discuss PH levels in the vagina and some natural remedies for treating infections. xx

Condom Talk

When it comes to condoms some people get nervous to ask for one or think they don’t need to because they are on birth control. Asking to use a condom during sex should NEVER be pushed away. It’s not awkward to ask for a condom because it is your right to have safe and satisfying sex! You should never feel unsafe or worried about having sex with your partner. It’s normal to ask during the moment “do you have a condom?” or even discussing it prior to sex.

Birth control only prevents pregnancies, not STDS and infections. When a condom is used correctly it can prevent STDS and infections up to 98% of the time. So even if you are on birth control it’s very important and normal to want to use a condom.

Some men say condoms don’t feel good, they can’t finish with one, or even the classic “aren’t you on birth control?” These are all sayings that can make women feel uncomfortable about asking to use a condom and are excuses. If you use the correct size, style, and lube condoms can be more comfortable.

If you and your partner have established that unprotected sex is okay with you both then that’s great. But if there is any forcing or negotiating you out of using a condom it’s probably best to not sleep with that person. The man should respect your decision and know that it’s also protecting them!

Now here is how to properly use a condom:

  1. Make sure there are no holes or scratches on the wrapper (this usually means there is a small hole in the condom and defeats the purpose of using one)
  2. Check expiration dates. Storing condoms in hot places can damage the latex faster, so it’s actually best to not put them in your wallet because of body heat.
  3. Open wrapper carefully and make sure the right side is up (the side with the little tip facing up sorta looks like a small hat)
  4. After un rolling the condom and slightly placing it over the penis, pinch the tip with your thumb and index finger. You want to pinch it to make room for the semen.
  5. While holding the tip in one hand use the other hand to completely roll the condom down until it reaches the end.
  6. Ready to go!

Carry your own condoms and never be afraid to communicate your wants during sex.

To remove a condom, it’s easier to remove when still hard because it helps avoid spilling semen. Toss it in the garbage and do not flush it down the toilet!!

 

 

DM Culture

This topic is something that gets me heated. It’s extremely frustrating that any form of social media impacts how we have relationships. It impacts how we think, speak, and sleep with each other.

It’s so easy to scroll through Instagram and be bombarded by millions of people who are easily reachable. It’s tempting to hit them with a couple likes or even a cute lil DM. It’s easy to get lost in the social media flirting game.

Social media can ruin trust between two people. It’s easy to overthink it and question what your partner is doing behind the screen. Does a flirty DM mean you want them sexually? Does liking a provocative photo when you are taken mean you want to sleep with them? Or are you already sleeping with them? These are questions I have heard SO many times & seen people get upset about. Including myself. It’s easy to get in your head about what your partner is up to and it’s even easier for your partner to hide it behind their phone. This lack of trust will obviously impact the relationship mentally and physically. Without trust, a relationship just won’t work.

This easy DM thing also destroys all honest & real communication between two people. It’s easy to talk to someone over text or Instagram and think you know who they are, what they like, and create an idea of how things might go sexually (and mentally!) This then leads to expectations that are probably going to let you down. You can create all these expectations in your head about what your relationship is and how well you know someone just by text and social media. It can be awkward if our expectations go wrong and can cause us to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable. This leads to a lack in communication. Since we are used to talking over a screen it can be hard to express ourselves if something gets awkward. No one enjoys actually speaking face-to-face about these problems, but hey they can send you a “I’m sorry” DM.

It’s easy to hide messages, delete conversations, and basically make it look like you are something you’re not. Everyone knows this and our generation is the worst yet nothing really changes. If you ever have a suspicion that your partner is not telling the truth, yet a name with a heart emoji pops up every second of the day, just leave. Literally walk out of the room. I have learned the hard way and it’s just not worth it. A relationship should be built off trust and honest communication. When you trust your partner and feel comfortable expressing yourself in person your sexual relationship will thrive.

Social media and texting will always impact our relationships but that doesn’t mean everyone out here is sending wild DM’s. This wasn’t just a rant about DM’s. It’s deeper than that. Social media impacts how we view ourselves therefore impacting our confidence with others. I have seen my friends get seriously hurt about this stuff and question themselves because of a silly Instagram situation. Put your phone down and communicate with the person you like. If you do have someone who is faithful to you, hold on to them!

Porn v.s reality

This then leads me to my next tangent which is how porn impacts our perception on sex.

Porn alters how women AND men view sex. Men who watch porn develop unrealistic expectations when it comes to how a female operates sexually. Most of the time the man just penetrates the female after about five minutes of kissing, or they don’t even show the romance and build up, it just goes straight to vaginal sex. This is unrealistic because it takes time for a female to become lubricated enough for penetration. You can’t just kiss on someone and then expect them to be ready for vaginal sex. In reality it takes trust and time before sex can happen. They also make the females look insanely turned on and make moaning/ screaming noises that are “sexy” and loud. Not every female is vocal and that is normal.

It also impacts how men think women want to be spoken to during a sexual act. Porn will depict a female gagging on a males dick while he moans “you like that cock” or “you dirty slut.” These statements can be fine if consent and communication is exchanged between the partners but porn does not show that part. These behaviors can be extremely degrading and not acceptable if there is no prior conversation about what the female likes. Porn has a way of making everything seem very sudden and it takes away the aspect of respect for each other. There is no intimacy or playfulness prior to sex. It is very unlikely that you would be saying these types of things to someone you do not have trust with. The actors on screen seem to have little respect for each other – leading males to think that it’s okay to speak/treat women the same way.

It also makes it seem like any sexual act is an easy and smooth process. Being comfortable with someone and performing some of the acts that porn shows can take time and communication. It’s never that simple. This easy process can make females and men feel vulnerable or uncomfortable in real life. By watching certain porn videos the viewer can create all these unrealistic ideas of how things will happen. Women and men can feel shameful or “not sexy enough” if something becomes awkward in the bedroom. They never show awkward situations in porn and that is NOT real. The condom might not fit perfectly, you might need to switch positions until it feels right, or maybe the man cums within in a couple minutes. Then all hell breaks loose! I honestly do not know why cumming fast for a man is frowned upon and why it creates an awkward sexmosphere. Both sexes should finish during sex and be pleased. Porn also can create these crazy ideas on how a female cums. I am going to write another post on squirting and just the female ejaculation in general but come on, these videos are ridiculous.

Porn can lead us to become disappointed with the sex we have/the person we have it with because it creates an exciting situation when in reality sex can be really weird. Women are shown with perfect figures, huge boobs, shaved vaginas, etc. Men are shown with perfect abs, big dicks, and amazing performances. If you think this is what people actually look like/perform like, of course you will be disappointed.

If you do have an experience that is not what you thought or your sexual expectations let you down, just be honest & open with your partner. Try to talk about it and know that not everything is a smooth process.

Sex is complicated and can be even more awkward when you put pressure and expectations on it. Everyone performs differently and porn videos do not show real connections, messy situations, or awkward moments between two people when having sex. Porn is not all bad though and it is completely normal to watch. For both sexes!

ORGASM EQUALITY

When it comes to the female orgasm the conversation is blurred. For some reason our society has made it all about the male orgasm and once the man orgasms you are then “done” and you are supposed to just lay there satisfied because your man is. I rarely have a man say “did you cum?” after sex because they usually just assume I did too. I find this ridiculous and sort of laughable. Pleasing your partner feels great but you deserve the same feeling. Sex should be an equal activity.

An orgasm is very different for men and women. This post is going to focus on the female side. There is a huge lack of research and knowledge around how the female orgasms. As a female, it is completely okay to not orgasm. This does not mean you can’t orgasm – it just means that you haven’t, or do not from sex. If you look up stories on how many women do not orgasm you will not feel alone. Stress, anxiety, fatigue, and other emotional responses can make it difficult to reach an orgasm.

A vaginal orgasm, or climax, is defined as an explosive discharge of neuromuscular tensions at the peak of sexual response. Two alterations in the genital organs vasocongestion (when the blood swells up) and myotonia (muscle tension) are the cause of orgasm. The response to these stimuli are focused in the vaginal area but there is also a total body response. Being “wet” does not mean you have orgasmed. An orgasm is the peak of sexual climax where as being wet is just our vaginas naturally releasing fluids during arousal.

You do not always scream and moan when you are orgasming. Some are more silent about the climax and some aren’t. Either way is normal. I blame movies and porn for the unrealistic portrayal of female orgasms. They show women climaxing from penetration alone and sometimes it’s not that easy. MANY women do not orgasm from penetration alone. If you do orgasm from penetration alone, lucky you.

The length of an orgasm varies and can last anywhere between 7 and 107 seconds. On average women take 20 minutes to reach orgasm.

Vaginal orgasms are the most difficult to achieve but it is the most common way people think of pleasure. Only about 5% to 15% of people with vaginas orgasm just from vaginal intercourse. When it comes to vaginal orgasms circular motions (rather than an in-and-out movement) and repeating motions that feel good can increase possibility of orgasm.

Vaginal intercourse is NOT the only way to orgasm. There are many other ways to orgasm such as clitoral and vulva stimulation, using fingers, oral sex, or adding a toy. Two thirds of women prefer direct clitoral stimulation, and the most popular motions are up and down, circular shape, and side to side. Around 1 in 10 women prefer firm pressure, while most prefer light to medium touch on their vulva. When using a finger mimicking the “come hither” motion is often effective. This is when the index and middle finger are inserted into the vagina, palm up. As the fingers are are moving in and out, they must curl them up as if they were motioning someone to “come here,” rubbing the G spot. When combined with oral techniques this can cause an orgasm.

Oral sex should be reciprocal but it often is not. This is bullshit.

There is debate that every women needs clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm because there is no clear/ right way to orgasm. Every woman is different in what they prefer and this is why being open about what you want is critical.

So why are women not getting the orgasms they deserve each time? Studies show that women have been taught not to speak about what they want in bed and will be perceived as pushy. Another reason is simply not enough education and communication around the subject!!

I recommend getting to know your own body so you can figure out what you need and then you can show/tell/ guide your partner into what feels good. There is no shame in guiding your partner or telling them what feels good. Honest communication with your partner and being comfortable with your sexual preferences will help you achieve an orgasm. If you are having sex your pleasure should be just as important as your partners. I don’t know why sex has became so focused on the male ejaculation but ladies it’s time to speak up and get some orgasm equality!!

HOW FEMALE MASTURBATION CAN BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

Over the years masturbation has become less shameful but I still think there is a large stigma around women masturbating. Men masturbate all the time and everyone knows it. Masturbating is completely normal for all genders and is actually good for your health. When you orgasm your body releases the endorphins dopamine and oxytocin. Some people masturbate frequently, daily, or never. There is no such thing as masturbating “too much.”

Some people grow up to feel guilty or shameful about masturbating. It is nothing to be ashamed of and everyone does it. Even if they don’t admit it. Some people find out at an early age that touching themselves can feel good. Most kids explore their genitals at a young age because we are human and it’s natural to want to feel pleasure. If you still have’t explored your genitals that’s okay too. Just remember that everyone does it and it can actually reduce stress.

Some myths about masturbation include – girls who masturbate are more sexually active, it can cause mental illness, only people who don’t have partners masturbate, and it can affect your period and ability to have children. These are all false. Wanting to explore your sexuality is natural and does NOT cause any health problems.

There are plenty of reasons as to why you might masturbate. It helps you relax, releases sexual tension, helps you sleep, relieves menstrual cramps and tension, and lets you understand your body. When you allow yourself to freely explore your own body you can then understand what you like and don’t like. Learning how to have orgasms on your own can make it easier to have one with a partner. You can guide them as to what works for you. When you are comfortable with your body you are more likely to be comfortable with your partner about sex, protecting yourself against STDS, and talking about other sexual needs.

Some people also may masturbate because they are not sexually active and want to orgasm. Even if you do have a partner it’s still completely normal to masturbate when they aren’t around. Masturbating when you have a partner does not mean they aren’t satisfying you. The main reason why people masturbate is because it feels good!

There is no “normal” way to masturbate. Toys or touching yourself is completely normal. Masturbation is touching or rubbing your genitals. If fingering does not feel good to you or help you achieve an orgasm, you can also rub your clitoris (located at the top of the vulva, in between the labia). The clitoris is small and the most sensitive part of the vagina. The head of the clitoris has about 10,000 nerve endings – a guaranteed pleasure spot. Most women do not orgasm by penetration alone. They need clitoral stimulation as well. The size and shape of the clitoris ranges among women and everyone is different in what they have & prefer.

Masturbation only becomes a “problem” when it affects your daily responsibilities or you are doing it for the wrong reasons. If it is associated with depression, extreme guilt, anxiety, withdrawal, or other emotional problems you might want to see a counselor.

In my next post I will discuss the affects that porn has on masturbation and sex expectations. Until then, happy masturbating!

ARE YOU SCARED OF INTIMACY?

Without emotional intimacy a relationship is bound to fail. To me, intimacy is when you are vulnerable with your emotions and share your mind honestly & openly. I think everyone is a little scared to be intimate with someone because you can feel out of control. Getting close to someone can mean rejection, pain, and tons of other strong emotions.

Being intimate with someone takes time.

I think people are becoming less intimate with each other and that upsets me. It’s so easy to hide emotions and the pressure of society doesn’t help. Intimacy isn’t about asking how someone is, sleeping in the same bed, or texting all day. None of this really means you know & feel for someone. It’s about being honest with your struggles and how your mind works. It’s about sharing your mind and emotions with someone without fear.

Sometimes when someone is trying to get close to you, it’s easier to push them away than deal with the strong emotions you feel.

I have issues with intimacy as well. It may be from my past of being hurt and let down by people I trust and love. For a long time I didn’t realize I had a fear of intimacy and I didn’t know how to change it.

These are some common signs for someone who is scared of intimacy:

  1. Sabotaging your relationships. Whether that is by being unfaithful or creating a problem when you are happy, it’s still pushing away intimacy. By sabotaging that strong connection you have then escaped the chance of getting hurt. By being unfaithful to your partner you create an emotional distance which can make the feelings seem less close to your heart.
  2. Fear of rejection. This is deeper than just a fear of someone saying no to you. This fear comes from a deep place inside where you feel “unworthy” of someones love so you choose to be alone. By avoiding the relationship all together, there is no chance of rejection, because you never even tried.
  3. Wrong partners. Do you always pick the same partner who you see no future with? Picking partners who you see no future with or who don’t expect anything from you lets you avoid intimacy. This is the worst way to avoid it because you can feel empty and abandoned.
  4. Pushing people away. It’s normal to make them work for it in the beginning but completely ghosting someone is an indicator that you are scared to get emotionally close. If you have been ghosted, just know it’s their own insecurities and it probably has nothing to do with you! Unless you did something insane, then I’m not sure.
  5. Scared of physical intimacy. When you are emotionally scared it can make sex difficult. You can either have lots of partners to try to avoid the possibility of actually getting to know someone, or scared to truly make love. There is a big difference. You might try to avoid feeling vulnerable or exposed during sex. This can cause you to not let your partner into your mind, thus destroying intimacy.

What to do if you experience any of these behaviors:

  1. Be honest with yourself and admit it. We all say we want love and to be real with each other, but not a lot of us actually do it. Look at your past patterns and be really honest with what has happened to you and why you might act this way.
  2. Feel your feelings. Falling in love can remind us of our past pain, but don’t kill it. When you avoid the pain you minimize the joy felt. Allow yourself to feel deeply for others and be open to the strong emotions.
  3. Accept vulnerability. The dating world promotes a culture of game-playing. “Don’t let her see how much you like her, who cares least, etc.” Don’t fall into it. Being vulnerable shows strength. It shows that you overcame the fears in your mind and stayed yourself. It’s okay to be vulnerable and open. In fact, it’s cooler when you can express how much you like someone.
  4. Love yourself. This is cliché but honestly the most important. When you learn to love yourself at a deeper level you can become intimate with yourself, then with others. Most people fear intimacy because they are scared to be abandoned. But when you love yourself you will never truly be abandoned. You will have yourself.

There are many other ways to over come this but these are what have helped me. It’s also very normal to experience some of these signs. Most people have intimacy issues. I just hope we can all be aware if we do, and try to work on it. I hope people can become more open with each other because it will lead them to a happier relationship with themselves, and others.

 

 

 

 

LOSING YOUR V-CARD

To start, this is no black and white topic. This is just my opinion and experience. Although I slightly cringe when thinking about my first time, I believe it’s important to be honest with myself in order for people to feel comfortable. Somebody’s gotta do it. I’m not about to blab about losing my virginity because that would honestly be quite boring for you, but I will speak from my own experience.

Losing your virginity probably doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore because most of us are adults now and think we know all about sex. I don’t even know all about it, and I research it all the time, so I know people are putting up a front. There is a huge pressure on our society to be sexy and have sex. This is all nonsense and should not affect your decision on when to lose your virginity.

Not everyone our age is having sex & that’s okay. There are still plenty of virgins out there doing their thing.

I’ve been asked if it hurts, when to do it, how to do it, etc. These questions are all relative. It really depends on who you lose it to, and that doesn’t have to be someone you are in love with. I’ve seen both sides of this. Women who want to be in love when they lose it or women who are 21 and just want to get it over with. No judgment to either side because there are pros and cons to both.

It’s not an unbearable pain but you may be sore afterwards and it is uncomfortable. It’s an unfamiliar pressure so it’s important to be aroused during it. Being comfortable with your partner, lube, and using foreplay can help. It’s normal to be nervous so you may not produce enough natural fluids. If you are having a difficult time becoming aroused, you can use a natural lube. Sex takes a lot of patience and communication. Some people experience pleasure during their first time and some don’t. It’s completely normal to be on either side of the spectrum. There also may be blood the first time but not for everybody. Some people naturally have more hymenal tissue than others which causes more pain and bleeding when their hymen gets stretched.

For me, I believe that losing it to someone you are familiar with can help it not be as painful. I believe this because when you are comfortable with someone your vagina actually relaxes and you can produce more secretion. With that being said, it’s completely okay to lose it to someone who are not in a relationship or in love with. I think there is pressure to be “in love” or a relationship in order to have sex. As long as you both respect each other and are safe, you can feel comfortable.

I recommended exploring your vagina prior to engaging in sex because it can help you feel comfortable with someone else exploring it. It’s important to understand your anatomy and what you like. Always use protection when having sex, and do not feel uncomfortable asking for a condom. If the man says no, you probably shouldn’t be losing your virginity to him. If you are on birth control it’s still important to use a condom because birth control only prevents pregnancies.

Second, there is no right or wrong time to lose it. There is really no right or wrong to any of this. Who and when you lose it is completely your choice. Just make sure you are safe about it and your partner respects you. Some prefer to wait and others like to rip it off like a Band-Aid. It does not reflect who you are as a person, and anyone should respect your decision. Whenever you feel ready, go for it.

When it comes to how to have sex this is completely between you are your partner and there is no wrong or right way. This is why being familiar with your partner could help because you can sort of understand how their body works with yours. Some bodies just don’t work together and it’s awkward. That’s normal. There are also bodies that work really well together and it can be beautiful. Everyone is different in what they prefer so “how to” might change according to who your partner is. Just be open and honest with your partner about what you aren’t liking, and what you do like. Be open to changing directions and listening to your partners needs as well. If you feel uncomfortable speaking about it during sex, you can express yourself afterwards.

Finally, I know it can be hard to “find the one” but you will know when it’s right and when it’s wrong. Trust yourself. Don’t expect it to be amazing the first time. There is a lot of hype around sex and it’s normal to not feel super sexy the first couple times. Just continue to be honest with your partner and open with yourself. Once you become comfortable with it and respect your body, the experience can be truly beautiful.